Study: Regret About One’s Ideal Self Often Hurts the Most

Regret can be painful, even debilitating. People plagued by regret may feel guilt 
or shame about what could have been. They can even develop symptoms of depression 
or anxiety. Yet regret in life is inevitable. No one is able to live up to every 
goal they set.

A new study published in the journal of Emotion explores the psychological 
underpinnings of regret. Researchers found regret stings the most when people 
fail to live up to their idealized selves. Regret about duties and obligations is 
less painful. Although regret about one’s idealized self is often more painful, 
participants were less likely to take proactive steps to live up to idealized 
versions of themselves.

Understanding Regret
The research used six studies to survey hundreds of participants about their 
feelings of regret. The study draws upon the notion that there are three 
components of a person’s self: the actual self, the ideal self, and the 
ought self.

1. The actual self is who a person believes they are.
2. The ideal self is who a person wishes they were. The ideal self includes dreams 
   for the future and goals for living up to values. It also includes traits a 
   person wishes they had.
3. The ought self is who a person thinks they should be. The ought self is more 
   focused on obligations, such as holding down a job. Regrets involve failures 
   to live up to these duties.

Researchers asked participants what kind of regrets they had most often. 
Most participants (72%) listed regrets about their ideal self. Only 28% of 
people listed regrets about their ought self. When people were asked to name their 
biggest regret in life, 76% mentioned a regret about their ideal selves.

This finding suggests regrets about the ideal self may be more painful. 
They may also be more likely to contribute to an overall feeling of regret.

Preventing Regret
he study also found people are more likely to take steps to correct regrets related 
to their ought self than to their ideal self. This trend may be because ought-self 
regrets often involve explicit criteria. Fixing duty-related regrets can often be 
corrected with specific steps.  For example, if a student regrets doing poorly in 
class, they can resolve to raise their grade through studying.

Meanwhile, regrets involving one’s ideal self tend to be vaguer. A person may have 
a dream to “be adventurous” or “be a great parent.” Yet such goals rarely have a 
concrete way to mark success. Without a clear destination, many people wait for 
inspiration to guide them toward these goals. If inspiration doesn’t come, a person 
may let opportunities pass them by.

Fear of how the pursuit of a good life might look to others may also hold people back. 
That’s doubly true when there’s a conflict between a person’s ideal self and ought self. 
For instance, a person may wish to go on a backpacking trip with their child. But they 
may turn down the trip so they do not miss any work and appear “unmotivated” to 
colleagues. In this scenario, the person prioritizes the work duties of their ought 
self above the parenting dreams of their ideal self.

A trained therapist can help people cope with regret. They might help a person explore 
ways to build self-compassion and self-esteem. In therapy, a person can also learn 
goal-setting skills to help them grow into their ideal selves.